A Record of A Transition Plus other musings and ramblings

My mother decided on a new name for me, a new middle name, I’ll keep my old unisex name as a concession to my family but I’ll be trying to use the new name for new people and new encounters. She suggested Nathan. We looked it up online and found it means ‘gift of God’, she said that’s what I am to them, a gift from God. Yeah, I got a lump in my throat there too.

She’s been practicing using it and I have to say she seems to be getting really quite comfortable with it. It’s still a bit weird for me, this name is totally new to me and I don’t get that same reaction as when someone says my old name. But I like it, I’m getting used to it, but it is still weird. She said they’d maybe start using it more when I start to transition and there’s a change in my appearance, but I guess she’s ok with trying it out now. It feels like she’s more comfortable with all this than I am, it’s surreal.

I’ve been trying to get round the other drivers at work to tell them and everyone’s been fine with it. I’ll need to get my licence and tacho card updated, it took them like 3 months just to fix my missing entitlements (and it’s still not right yet), by the time I’m done I’ll be onto something like the 10th version of my license.

I can’t remember if I mentioned, but I missed an appointment with my specialist, thanks to work, so I’m re booked for the 22nd of March. This actually works out a bit better in terms of giving me time to do everything he asked of me. I’m going to make the name change official by deed poll, even though under Scots Law I don’t think I have to.

I’ve been having discussions with my parents about trans issues, outside my own. I explained to my mother about things like the gender binary, how gender and sexuality are different, non binary identities, what it feels like to be trans and other basics. She’s taking it all in very well considering it’s all new to her. I’ve been debating the press’ handling of the pregnant trans man story with my dad too. He’s a Daily Fail reader and although he doesn’t realise it, his opinions on this guy’s pregnancy are like reading the transphobic shite these rags produce. He’s from a whole different generation though and as stubborn as a mule in his opinions, but I’m still putting the point across, it’s not for us to judge how other people live their lives.

I went back to my old MMA gym yesterday and spoke to the coach there about coming back. I had to give it up about 3 years about now, I was out of work and couldn’t afford it, now I’m back on my feet and need to get in shape pre surgery, I’m keen to get back. So I told him too, he seemed ok, a little surprised maybe and unsure how to work it in with the gym, the changing rooms etc. He asked if I could give him a couple days to talk to the other trainers and figure something out. I hope he does call me back.

On that note, my mother seems determined for me to become buff. Especially before surgery. She’s going into overdrive with talk of diets and keeps on giving me exercise videos. It’s nice to have someone trying to help. I have an iron will when it comes to pretty much everything but food. Food is my weakness, my crack, I can’t live without IRN BRU!

Oh yeah, I haven’t come out to the cats yet, but I think they’ll be cool with it…

So much has been happening, I’ll probably miss some bits out but hey, I’m more or less living in a truck now, so it’s not so easy for me to update this!

Since telling my parents, my mother has been quite keen to talk to me about my transition. We get on quite well and talk regularly anyway. It was a wee bit weird at first, but I’m getting used to it now. She’s asking about things like time scales, what’s involved, what changes will happen. She seems worried that I’ll become more aggressive, recently I’ve stopped fighting as much with my dad and the peace in the house has been nice, she’s worried that T will bring that back. I don’t think it will, I hope it doesn’t anyway.

She’s really taken this very well, I’m kinda surprised it’s went down as well as it has. We’re talking about alot of things, I’m highlighting to her how things in my past were related to this and that I wasn’t just being a brat. She told me that age 3 I decided I didn’t like dresses and started to refuse to wear them. She’d make me wear one to church and I’d take it off when we got home. So there you go, age 3 and I was already rejecting the gender they were forcing on me!

I’ve been tweeting some of the cool stuff she’s been saying, this was an example;

Me: you’re taking this very well.

Mum: what else would I do?

Me: freak out?

Mum: but what good would that do?

So that’s pretty much her attitude towards this, what good would not supporting me do?

Another thing she’s been asking about is will my thinking change on T. Will I start thinking more like a man? I pointed out to her that I pretty much do already, all the little differences she picks up on between men and women that I have the same habits, it wouldn’t be a big change for me. She also asked if I’d still want to attend the nights that my aunts have. It’s generally women only, aunts, cousins, all get together and have a blether. I always go along because I love to listen to them talking about the family. We have a huge family and I don’t know them all. It’s our family history, an oral history, a thing my generation seem to have overlooked. I know my brother couldn’t name half of my family and my knowledge doesn’t rival my mother’s, but I know quite a few faces and names.

Initially when I said I’d need about a week to recover from surgery, and need help, she had said she wouldn’t take time off her work. When I broke my ankle a few years back and was on crutches for 4 months, I was pretty much left to get on with it. When we were kids, we didn’t miss school for being sick. Arm’s fallen off? Too bad. Going to school. I’ve shown her some pictures of my buddy Ira who is now 3 days post op, so she said she would take the time off her work to look after me.

I’ve noticed some differences in their language too, my mum told me tonight that my dad had earlier refered to me as my brother’s “big brother” when talking about me, I thought that was nice. I’ve noticed too that she’s started thinking of me in more male terms, while talking about my work and my availability, she said “you don’t have a wife or kids, you’re free to go away”. It’s little differences like that, I told her I’m not offended by someone slipping up and getting a pronoun wrong, as long as they’re trying. So I’m starting to gently correct their language.

We had discussed my name change too, I had initially thought of keeping my first name for their sake, and changing my middle name. Although with them being as good with this as they are, I feel like saying I want to change it altogether. I don’t mind them still using my name, they have a kinda nick name, a shortened version of my name that they call me, it would be nice to keep that. I had asked my mum about other names she had thought for me before I was born, she said Lee, but I don’t think that really fits. We’ll see though.

I came out at work too! I was in a meeting with the boss, he had a shift he wanted to offer me. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a truck driver. The shift he wanted me to do involves doing regular runs to London, from Glasgow. This means being away practically Monday to Friday, and working every 3rd weekend, if it’s needed. It means living in the cab, eating, sleeping, everything. I really don’t mind being away so I was happy to take the offer, it also means a bit more regularity for me, something of a schedule. It’s also a pay rise! He told me that another driver had approached him about the position, but he refused him, saying the job had already been given to me, even though he hadn’t spoken to me yet. I thought this was a nice vote of confidence.

The matter of ‘double manning’ came up during the meeting, this is where 2 drivers go away on a job. All of the cabs have 2 bunks, and being the only female driver, they weren’t sure if I’d be ok sharing with a guy. I told them I didn’t mind and thought this would be a good time to tell them I’m trans. They took it very well. My boss was really great actually, he said it didn’t matter to them at all. I was just ‘one of the guys’ and that they would support me fully. He said they wouldn’t tolerate any bullying or anything and I said I’d learned the hard way how to deal with bullies, so I think I’d be ok. He commented that I’m pretty articulate and look like I can handle myself, so I should be ok! We agreed that he could tell the few office staff and I would tell the other drivers.

I was speaking to two of the other drivers on my return from London, both kinda older guys that are friends, one of them mentioned that another local company he has visited that day were asking about me. They wanted to know who the new guy was, the ‘young guy, the tall, stout one with glasses and dark hair’. The driver told me that he told them my (unisex) name and they thought I was a guy, he tried to explain I wasn’t but I don’t know how much they believed him. So I decided I should tell them, they both took the news very well and made a point of saying they’re cool with it and not to take any shit from anyone about it and that they’re also supportive. This was pretty much the response I expected, the guys there are pretty cool.

Oh, and my mum thinks I’d look funny with a beard!