A Record of A Transition

"On a somewhat serious note today because of a conversation the other day: I am sure every girl can..."

keltik — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 22:43:21 +0000

“

On a somewhat serious note today because of a conversation the other day:

I am sure every girl can recall, at least once as a child, coming home and telling their parents, uncle, aunt or grandparent about a boy who had pulled her hair, hit her, teased her, pushed her or committed some other playground crime. I will bet money that most of those, if not all, will tell you that they were told “Oh, that just means he likes you”. I never really thought much about it before having a daughter of my own. I find it appalling that this line of bullshit is still being fed to young children. Look, if you want to tell your child that being verbally and/or physically abused is an acceptable sign of affection, i urge you to rethink your parenting strategy. If you try and feed MY daughter that crap, you better bring protective gear because I am going to shower you with the brand of “affection” you are endorsing.

When the fuck was it decided that we should start teaching our daughters to accept being belittled, disrespected and abused as endearing treatment? And we have the audacity to wonder why women stay in abusive relationships? How did society become so oblivious to the fact that we were conditioning our daughters to endure abusive treatment, much less view it as romantic overtures? Is this where the phrase “hitting on girls” comes from? Well, here is a tip: Save the “it’s so cute when he gets hateful/physical with her because it means he loves her” asshattery for your own kids, not mine. While you’re at it, keep them away from my kids until you decide to teach them respect and boundaries.

My daughter is `10 years old and has come home on more than one occasion recounting an incident at school in which she was teased or harassed by a male classmate. There has been several times when someone that she was retelling the story to responded with the old, “that just means he likes you” line. Wrong. I want my daughter to know that being disrespected is NEVER acceptable. I want my daughter to know that if someone likes her and respects her, much less LOVES her, they don’t hurt her and they don’t put her down. I want my daughter to know that the boy called her ugly or pushed her or pulled her hair didn’t do it because he admires her, it is because he is a little asshole and assholes are an occurrence of society that will have to be dealt with for the rest of her life. I want my daughter to know how to deal with assholes she will encounter throughout her life. For now, I want my daughter to know that if someone is verbally harassing her, she should tell the teacher and if the teacher does nothing, she should tell me. If someone physically touches her, tell the teacher then, if it continues, to yell, “STOP TOUCHING/PUNCHING/PUSHING ME” in the middle of class or the hallway, then tell me. Last year, one little boy stole her silly bandz from her. He just grabbed her and yanked a handful of them off of her wrist. When I went to the school to address the incident, the teacher smiled and explained it away to her, in front of me, “he probably has a crush on you”. Okay, the boy walked up to my daughter, grabbed and held her by the arm and forcibly removed her bracelets from her as she struggled and you want to convince her that she should be flattered? Fuck off. I am going to punch you in the face but I hope you realize it is just my way of thanking you for the great advice you gave my daughter. If these same advice givers’ sons came home crying because another male classmate was pushing them, pulling their hair, hitting them or calling them names, I would bet dollars to donuts they would tell him to defend themselves and kick the kid’s ass, if necessary. They sure as shit wouldn’t say, “he probably just wants a play date”.

I will teach my daughter to accept nothing less than respect. Anyone who hurts her physically or emotionally doesn’t deserve her respect, friendship or love. I will teach my boys the same thing as well as the fact that hitting on girls doesn’t involve hitting girls. I can’t teach my daughter to respect herself if I am teaching her that no one else has to respect her. I can’t raise sons that respect women, if I teach them that bullying is a valid expression of affection.

The next time that someone offers up that little “secret” to my daughter, I am going to slap the person across the face and yell, “I LOVE YOU”.

”

- You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face « Views from the Couch (via wewantrevolutiongirlstylenow)
This. A million times, this.

oliveracedavis: YES JACKIES.

keltik — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 22:34:23 +0000

oliveracedavis:

YES JACKIES.

I have a name.

keltik — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 00:42:00 +0000

My mother decided on a new name for me, a new middle name, I’ll keep my old unisex name as a concession to my family but I’ll be trying to use the new name for new people and new encounters. She suggested Nathan. We looked it up online and found it means ‘gift of God’, she said that’s what I am to them, a gift from God. Yeah, I got a lump in my throat there too.

She’s been practicing using it and I have to say she seems to be getting really quite comfortable with it. It’s still a bit weird for me, this name is totally new to me and I don’t get that same reaction as when someone says my old name. But I like it, I’m getting used to it, but it is still weird. She said they’d maybe start using it more when I start to transition and there’s a change in my appearance, but I guess she’s ok with trying it out now. It feels like she’s more comfortable with all this than I am, it’s surreal.

I’ve been trying to get round the other drivers at work to tell them and everyone’s been fine with it. I’ll need to get my licence and tacho card updated, it took them like 3 months just to fix my missing entitlements (and it’s still not right yet), by the time I’m done I’ll be onto something like the 10th version of my license.

I can’t remember if I mentioned, but I missed an appointment with my specialist, thanks to work, so I’m re booked for the 22nd of March. This actually works out a bit better in terms of giving me time to do everything he asked of me. I’m going to make the name change official by deed poll, even though under Scots Law I don’t think I have to.

I’ve been having discussions with my parents about trans issues, outside my own. I explained to my mother about things like the gender binary, how gender and sexuality are different, non binary identities, what it feels like to be trans and other basics. She’s taking it all in very well considering it’s all new to her. I’ve been debating the press’ handling of the pregnant trans man story with my dad too. He’s a Daily Fail reader and although he doesn’t realise it, his opinions on this guy’s pregnancy are like reading the transphobic shite these rags produce. He’s from a whole different generation though and as stubborn as a mule in his opinions, but I’m still putting the point across, it’s not for us to judge how other people live their lives.

I went back to my old MMA gym yesterday and spoke to the coach there about coming back. I had to give it up about 3 years about now, I was out of work and couldn’t afford it, now I’m back on my feet and need to get in shape pre surgery, I’m keen to get back. So I told him too, he seemed ok, a little surprised maybe and unsure how to work it in with the gym, the changing rooms etc. He asked if I could give him a couple days to talk to the other trainers and figure something out. I hope he does call me back.

On that note, my mother seems determined for me to become buff. Especially before surgery. She’s going into overdrive with talk of diets and keeps on giving me exercise videos. It’s nice to have someone trying to help. I have an iron will when it comes to pretty much everything but food. Food is my weakness, my crack, I can’t live without IRN BRU!

Oh yeah, I haven’t come out to the cats yet, but I think they’ll be cool with it…

iragray: 6/365 One more day until I am free of these bandages....

keltik — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 23:14:31 +0000

iragray:

6/365 One more day until I am free of these bandages. (Photo by iragray)

Jelussssss

Mammy and Me

keltik — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:10:11 +0000

Mammy and Me

Even More Coming Out

keltik — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 01:51:07 +0000

So much has been happening, I’ll probably miss some bits out but hey, I’m more or less living in a truck now, so it’s not so easy for me to update this!

Since telling my parents, my mother has been quite keen to talk to me about my transition. We get on quite well and talk regularly anyway. It was a wee bit weird at first, but I’m getting used to it now. She’s asking about things like time scales, what’s involved, what changes will happen. She seems worried that I’ll become more aggressive, recently I’ve stopped fighting as much with my dad and the peace in the house has been nice, she’s worried that T will bring that back. I don’t think it will, I hope it doesn’t anyway.

She’s really taken this very well, I’m kinda surprised it’s went down as well as it has. We’re talking about alot of things, I’m highlighting to her how things in my past were related to this and that I wasn’t just being a brat. She told me that age 3 I decided I didn’t like dresses and started to refuse to wear them. She’d make me wear one to church and I’d take it off when we got home. So there you go, age 3 and I was already rejecting the gender they were forcing on me!

I’ve been tweeting some of the cool stuff she’s been saying, this was an example;

Me: you’re taking this very well.

Mum: what else would I do?

Me: freak out?

Mum: but what good would that do?

So that’s pretty much her attitude towards this, what good would not supporting me do?

Another thing she’s been asking about is will my thinking change on T. Will I start thinking more like a man? I pointed out to her that I pretty much do already, all the little differences she picks up on between men and women that I have the same habits, it wouldn’t be a big change for me. She also asked if I’d still want to attend the nights that my aunts have. It’s generally women only, aunts, cousins, all get together and have a blether. I always go along because I love to listen to them talking about the family. We have a huge family and I don’t know them all. It’s our family history, an oral history, a thing my generation seem to have overlooked. I know my brother couldn’t name half of my family and my knowledge doesn’t rival my mother’s, but I know quite a few faces and names.

Initially when I said I’d need about a week to recover from surgery, and need help, she had said she wouldn’t take time off her work. When I broke my ankle a few years back and was on crutches for 4 months, I was pretty much left to get on with it. When we were kids, we didn’t miss school for being sick. Arm’s fallen off? Too bad. Going to school. I’ve shown her some pictures of my buddy Ira who is now 3 days post op, so she said she would take the time off her work to look after me.

I’ve noticed some differences in their language too, my mum told me tonight that my dad had earlier refered to me as my brother’s “big brother” when talking about me, I thought that was nice. I’ve noticed too that she’s started thinking of me in more male terms, while talking about my work and my availability, she said “you don’t have a wife or kids, you’re free to go away”. It’s little differences like that, I told her I’m not offended by someone slipping up and getting a pronoun wrong, as long as they’re trying. So I’m starting to gently correct their language.

We had discussed my name change too, I had initially thought of keeping my first name for their sake, and changing my middle name. Although with them being as good with this as they are, I feel like saying I want to change it altogether. I don’t mind them still using my name, they have a kinda nick name, a shortened version of my name that they call me, it would be nice to keep that. I had asked my mum about other names she had thought for me before I was born, she said Lee, but I don’t think that really fits. We’ll see though.

I came out at work too! I was in a meeting with the boss, he had a shift he wanted to offer me. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a truck driver. The shift he wanted me to do involves doing regular runs to London, from Glasgow. This means being away practically Monday to Friday, and working every 3rd weekend, if it’s needed. It means living in the cab, eating, sleeping, everything. I really don’t mind being away so I was happy to take the offer, it also means a bit more regularity for me, something of a schedule. It’s also a pay rise! He told me that another driver had approached him about the position, but he refused him, saying the job had already been given to me, even though he hadn’t spoken to me yet. I thought this was a nice vote of confidence.

The matter of ‘double manning’ came up during the meeting, this is where 2 drivers go away on a job. All of the cabs have 2 bunks, and being the only female driver, they weren’t sure if I’d be ok sharing with a guy. I told them I didn’t mind and thought this would be a good time to tell them I’m trans. They took it very well. My boss was really great actually, he said it didn’t matter to them at all. I was just ‘one of the guys’ and that they would support me fully. He said they wouldn’t tolerate any bullying or anything and I said I’d learned the hard way how to deal with bullies, so I think I’d be ok. He commented that I’m pretty articulate and look like I can handle myself, so I should be ok! We agreed that he could tell the few office staff and I would tell the other drivers.

I was speaking to two of the other drivers on my return from London, both kinda older guys that are friends, one of them mentioned that another local company he has visited that day were asking about me. They wanted to know who the new guy was, the ‘young guy, the tall, stout one with glasses and dark hair’. The driver told me that he told them my (unisex) name and they thought I was a guy, he tried to explain I wasn’t but I don’t know how much they believed him. So I decided I should tell them, they both took the news very well and made a point of saying they’re cool with it and not to take any shit from anyone about it and that they’re also supportive. This was pretty much the response I expected, the guys there are pretty cool.

Oh, and my mum thinks I’d look funny with a beard!

Mammy and me

keltik — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:57:07 +0000

Mammy and me

So these days I have a reason to smile.

keltik — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:54:53 +0000

So these days I have a reason to smile.

courtneytrouble: Inside the San Francisco Bay Guardian Courtney...

keltik — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 18:13:20 +0000

courtneytrouble:

Inside the San Francisco Bay Guardian

Courtney Trouble / Dylan Ryan / BIlly Castro

Photo by Molly DeCoudreaux

legalizetrans: Sweet! alexthefab: More gender neutral pronoun...

keltik — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 06:19:03 +0000

legalizetrans:

Sweet!

alexthefab:

More gender neutral pronoun graphics. Uh… I have no idea how popular these or other pronouns are so feedback and requests would be great!

bahnhofe: Labels Project, Vol. One The Labels Project is a...

keltik — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 06:18:15 +0000

bahnhofe:

Labels Project, Vol. One

The Labels Project is a collaborative project between myself and Hedda Hammer, a bay area artist and writer, and came after we attended our first pride events in Los Angeles and Long Beach. Being newly out we noticed quite a few groups and sub groups that we felt were not properly represented in the media, even our own media. We felt that there was so much about the LGBTQ community that we did not know, and I’m sure others don’t know about.

Though the project has gone through some changes since it’s initial conception, we hope it will continue to grow and evolve as does our community.

Have I ever had “ANY unwanted/undesired physical or sexual contact”?

keltik — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:27:17 +0000

Have I ever had “ANY unwanted/undesired physical or sexual contact”?:

baddominicana:

Earlier in this pregnancy, I filled out my “Initial Health History” form for prenatal and birth care. You know: check the box if you’ve experienced severe headaches, diabetes, all sorts of things. After the usual “Emotional abuse,” “Physical abuse,” “Sexual abuse,” I got to this very interesting item: ”ANY unwanted/undesired physical or sexual contact.”

read the link. so spot on.

Even looking as freakish and unfeminine as I do, I’m not a stranger to this behaviour either.

Photo

keltik — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:19:40 +0000

Coming Out 3.0

keltik — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:21:27 +0000

My mum spoke to my dad tonight and told him that I’m trans. They spoke for about an hour though it was punctuated with long silences, this is normal for him, he’s a thinker. He called me after and said that it doesn’t change the fact that they love and accept me and will support me with anything I choose to do. Needless to say, I had a fair lump in my throat.

We spoke for a while on the phone, he said his only concern was that I’d encounter difficulty during my transition, something I wasn’t prepared for. I did my best to reassure him I’m confident in what I’m doing, I can handle pretty much anything now, I’ll be ok, I know what to expect.

I know he’ll worry, it’s what he does. I spoke to my brother too, he and my dad were texting each other about it. My brother remarked that we’re a pretty awesome wee family, he said my dad replied with a smiley face.

I know I’ve been incredibly lucky with their reactions and I’m very fortunate, I’m also very grateful. I get the feeling this might actually make us closer as a family, I’ve always felt a bit on the fringe.

Now we just need to tell the cats…

Today I told my mother that I'm transgender

keltik — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 23:58:22 +0000

And that I want to medically transition.

I think she was more upset the first time I got my lip pierced…

Ok, I can do this...

keltik — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 14:55:04 +0000

Just had a long talk with my mum. She was really good about it and we talked about lots of different things. I told her how I felt I wasted my 20s and this had impacted on it, how I missed swimming, what the process was for medically transitioning and what I’d done so far. I showed her my forum and told her about some of my friends, it was kinda scattered but I’ve got so much I wanted to share with her. I offered to send her some info, to read up, but she says she’s pretty well informed. She works as a civil servant, they’re very well informed on matters of equality. Even her language wasn’t all bad. And she said she thinks I’ll transition we’ll because of my height, build, the size of my hands etc. So I’m quite happy with it all. Finally…

It's done.

keltik — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 12:53:26 +0000

My brother has just told my mother that I’m trans. He told her everything, he didn’t go into much detail when recounting it to me, but they spoke for about 45 minutes. He said it couldn’t have went better, if he had to give it a rating, it would be 10/10. He said she’s totally fine with it and thinks it’s a good thing for me, that I need to get on with my life. I could barely believe my ears. I was terrified she would take it badly and be really hurt by it all. My brother says I got the timing right.

I’ve been sitting in my room waiting for them to come out, when my brother was talking to me, my mother knocked on the door and asked him to ask me if I was hungry, I signalled for her to come in. She stood and gave me a hug as I sat on the bed, and I let it out… 10 years of stress, hurt, frustration, worry… She just held me and told me it was alright.

I’m so relieved it went well, actually, I can’t quite believe it went this well…

My mother has said to my brother that she will approach my dad and tell him about it when it’s just the two of them at home. He’s a thinker, not a talker, he will need a couple days.

So there it is, the big scary monster turned out to be nothing at all.

iragray: Trans Infighting by postgender I don’t see calling...

keltik — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:46:23 +0000

iragray:

Trans Infighting by postgender

I don’t see calling someone out for the appropriation of trans women’s struggles as identity policing. There’s a difference in saying “Hey, you holding that identity is really oppressive” and “You can’t identify that way!” We all know Lucas can identify however he wants, but using different language has different effects. On the other hand, I completely agree that, as a community, we need to get our shit together and learn how to resolve conflict lest we crumble like all other movements.

I think the issue of transmisogyny and Ru Paul can be really complicated, because the argument boils down to who do we, as trans* people, accept as trans*. Who is trans* enough. Ru Paul has said he IDs as trans*, but he’s also said he only does so for money. It’s important to take note though that oppression is not the same as identity. Ru Paul may very well experience transmisogyny, but that doesn’t mean he experiences it institutionally. At the point in time you can dictate when and by whom you are marginalized, it’s no longer institutional.

It’s important to recognize that various forms of policing were mentioned here: identity policing, language policing. It’s ironic, telling, and interesting to me that tone policing was neglected, because, in many ways, this person is somewhat advocating for that. We acknowledge when people check us on our privilege, but we don’t acknowledge our continual abuse of it. Now, I think the point they make about needed to resolve conflict is important, but let’s not conflate the need to resolve conflict with avoiding conflict at all costs - including biting the bullet when oppression is being perpetuated by someone in your community. It’s interesting that so many folks who are not subject to transmisogyny have felt the need to chime in and say whether or not they feel the experiences and feelings of GMAB (gendered male at birth) trans* folks are valid.

Being called out by people in your community can be painful, yes, but it is significantly more painful and more infuriating when it is your community that marginalizes you, defends its right to do so, and tells you that you don’t have a right to be upset in the first place or that they too have a right to be upset about it all.

I’m with Carson on this. I’m very much a believer in, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. If someone does or says something that’s not cool, then you should address this with them. However, if you want to get a positive response from them and have them actually listen to you, it’s more likely to happen if you approach them in a non aggressive manner and say ‘hey, that wasn’t cool, this is why’. The angry baying mob approach is just going to make that person defensive.

No one is perfect, people will make mistakes, you will make mistakes, it happens. Destructive dialogue, snarky blog blog posts, passive aggressive attacks don’t engender growth and change. Constructive dialogue in a safe and respectful manner works.

Fuck, let’s just try being a bit nicer to each other.

cyborgmanifesto: 4 decades plus 5 years, today. Still queer as...

keltik — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 12:57:41 +0000

cyborgmanifesto:

4 decades plus 5 years, today. Still queer as fuck.

My brother just called

keltik — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 11:49:59 +0000

He’s going to tell them this weekend.

I feel a bit sick.